The title of this page once had the original english text for s#!t. This led to an unusually high page count for this page, by people who searched only for s#!t in their browsers and then clicked on this page. To get a more balanced understanding of the page count, I have replaced all occurences with an alias s#!t.
The One-Eyed S#!tting Monkey: Feb. 8th
One of Sue’s downtown expatriate friends, Karen, is still recovering from an adrenalin rush at her daughter’s birthday party Motherhood is a challenge the world over, but India definitely offers her own unique, never to be experienced in the West, situations. In her ground floor apartment, she had prepared a grand birthday feast. Leaving the front door open for the children to come in, she went into the kitchen only to come back and find a large alpha male rhesus monkey on the table, helping himself to the imported M&Ms and the homemade potato chips! It was a particularly ugly monkey, being old, missing one eye, and covered with sores. Her first impulse was natural. She screamed. The monkey’s reaction was also natural - he took off for higher highs. In this case, that meant running up the staircase. The monkey immediately let loose his bowels as he’s running, covering the staircase in s#!t. More screams ensue, by now fully justified. Upstairs in one bedroom lay her innocent three-year-old daughter asleep.
Thankfully, the monkey skips her daughter’s room and instead enters the unoccupied parents' room. Instinctively she closes the bedroom door and traps the monkey inside. Her screams have alerted the servants, neighbors, and birthday party moms and children. Now she has thirty people crowding around the door to decide what to do about this aggressive one-eyed monkey. They decide to unlock the door. A key is obtained and the adults rehearse a swat team plan to storm the room. They bang open the door to find the monkey standing in the middle of the room looking at the advancing army of angry protective moms, determined drivers, neighborhood dogs on leashes, and he decides there is no future for him in that apartment. He makes a godlike Hanuman-worthy leap, and manages to jump over the people, onto the porch, and out to a palm tree.
Now our friend Karen realizes that the room is covered in s#!t. It’s been flung on the walls, the ceiling, the floor; it's everywhere. The servants clean the mess over the rest of the afternoon and were paid an unusually high bonus.
Feb. 9th
I’ve been drinking too much. I feel like a one-eyed s#!tting monkey.
Robert Lewis, is a scientist who has been studying the interaction of monkeys and humans in urban settings. His interests include answering questions such as "What diseases arise when humans move into an area once only occupied by animals?"... "What diseases will I get if my neighbors are, literally, monkeys?" "What diseases will the animals acquire by having me as a neighbor?". Check out his site The Monkey Room Debacle.